Nights I can’t sleep

Nights I can’t sleep don’t come often. I’m a dreamer so they are far and few in between. But lately, they’ve been more abundant. And on one recent sleepless night, this poem crept forth and was birthed at about 4am. Once it’s lines filled my phones screen, almost like pages scribbled in handwriting my own, but not as satisfying, I fell into exhausted sleep. Tonight, here I am awake again, and this poem came to mind, so I’m posting it here. Its been a tough season for me these past few weeks so it’s not cute or quaint, it’s raw and ugly, but real. I hope you enjoy it…

Picture Perfect Missing Buttons (or Untitled or Waiting for Breakthrough or Tear The Walls Down)

We were always superficial

and

Safe

Meeting once a week

In our Ironed best

Putting forth our best faces

New crisp shirts

Buttons all in a row

I’s dotted

T’s crossed

Picture perfect

Genuine

Warm

Welcoming

Glad to see your sweet honey face again

So perfectly pressed to look your best

Always hairs in place

Never will a stray escape

To tell lies of rumpled rushed hazy mornings

No

ONLY picture perfect stories

do these contoured cheeks unfold

Silver bells on my little toes

And Cockashells all in a row

But

What if

One day

I came with a stain

That showed the ugly truth

Broken bones of a soul long overdue

for a breakthrough

Crumpled clothes

Laundry piles to fold

Rings around drains

And drinking cups lining my

stainless steel base

Crumbs and thoughts all

overflowing without pause

Without even a bitter end

Creaky floors and leaky windows

Old drains and mildew or mold unfettered

Who would dare scold

Well At least he’s free

Or maybe it’s really me

Unchained

Unfettered

But at least it’s me

Bare face

Bare bones

Bare love

Bare soul

We met every week

You could tell the time by our punctuality

But maybe this day I’d be late

And you’d notice the real me

Crumpled and wrinkled under

Pressed clothes

Hobbling in humble heels on

Sunny days

Sunday’s

Maybe this day you’d notice

What everyone else was blind to see

Maybe you’d notice me

Climbing over mountains to reach your soul

Jumping over chasms just to be here again

Would you know the places I’ve been

Would you know the road I took

just to walk in

And look perfect again

Coming every week without fail

on the chance that someone, anyone

Would see me

And pull me out of this dredge, this chunky thick

black

Questioning

Fog

Sledge

Dredge

Mire

Crumpled clothes

Mildewed walls

Rings around tubs

Missing socks

Second best

Silence and stomach the rest

If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all

So hush

Sweet hush

Gentle hush

Painful throat choking hush

Silence again and again and again

No one will know and no one will perceive

Those silent screams

that there’s a thought bubbling up beneath that perfectly smoothed hair

No one should know anyhow

because it’s against status quo

So smile sweet Susy Carmen Maria Lily girl

Be you

but don’t be all of you

in this sweet topical world

Where we meet in places

to bare our souls

But come and choose to show faces

So that’s all

So hit the road Jack

And don’t you come back

And don’t you come back no more.

No more

No more

No more

Not till your shirt is ironed and

Your shoes are laced

And your hair is back in place

Get that stain out of this frame

Marring perfection no more

Let’s go back to talking on top

in circles of nothing

Let’s get Phoney

Hey isn’t that what we’re here for?

Phoney can’t crack

It holds that smile intact

Like old soap bubbles forever marked on the laundry floor

Evidence of what was

Hope for what’s to come

But not today.

Today I, Suzy Carmen Maria Lily girl

I’m coming clean

Wearing my shirt with a missing button

My shoes with holes and my crumpled pants

I’m coming clean with me and my in between

No more perfection will bar me from you.

No more acts

Cause I’m sick to death of chit chats

I could murder small talk and slit its throat

Give me raw

Give me real

No more fake

No more sweet

And open my mouth

And speak my peace

Not my piece

But my peace

Speak my Peace over me

Open your mouth He says

And GET free

Stop waiting on perfection

And begin again

My grace will lead you through

The no holds barred

And miry queasy low

My love will cross you to places

You’d never thought you’d go

Tired of facade and foolery

Well get up and go

Jesus is the way

He’s that bridge from

Silent City to Truth

He breaks chains from your past and even your present with His essence

An aura not quickly erased

A vibe that death and dire could never efface

Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!

And sweet lo

Memories forgotten

No love lost

Since I was begotten

In You

Heart swollen in love

Words to say

Stories to tell

Yes yes yes I am ready

Here we go again

Taking plunges and leaps of faith

Restored through Grace

And Breathe

Rest

Walk

Talk

And be

And be

seen once again.

And be loved

Just be loved,

Beloved.

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